Feelings, et al

Even though I am known by some to have a heart as hard as stone, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places we didn't know we had inside us. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts we get, or gyms we join, or jog laps that we finish, or crunches that we sweat, or how many glasses of vodka we drink with our friends... we still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what we did wrong or how we could have misunderstood.

I can say that I am a little ignorant about love. I am too sick and tired of searching for almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I don’t think about love more than anyone really should. Cos love is amazing, it has its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. Love comes in different forms. Some, forbidden yet it’s still love. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night, or into someone who is wrong or worse an illusion.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert, for several reasons and evidences I don’t want to disclose. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are reading at one such individual’s blog.

And I have willingly loved several of them for a million times already! Of course that’s an exaggeration but I can say that it’s absolute the worst feeling of my life! Those days that I have been in love one-sidedly have been the darkest times of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with people who does not and will not love me back.

Oh gawd, just the thought of it!

Reminiscing the glorious past!

Heart pounding!

Throat thickening!

Absolutely can't swallow!

All the usual symptoms.

Now how in the hell for a brief moment we could think that we were that happy. And sometimes we can even convince ourselves that that person see the light and show up at our doors, sooner or later.

Pathetic.

And after all that, however long all that may be, we'll go somewhere new. And we'll meet people who make us feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of our soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of our lives that we wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

***

Some texts were excerpts from the movie “The Holiday”, edited based on what the blogger feels and relates.

Spiderwebs

One of my fave No Doubt songs, Guitar Hero World Tour tracks and OST for the 2nd season of Gossip Girl.

Spiderwebs is a ska punk song written by Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal for No Doubt's third studio album Tragic Kingdom (1995). Some say this song is actually about Crystal Meth, hence the term “spiderwebs” used to describe the spiderweb like pattern it creates inside the pipe… Woah, makes you wonder why Gwen is so skinny, e? LOL. But it is not so hard to imagine, right? Early 90's Orange County, Sublime's songs STP (Secret Tweaker Pad) and D.J's (dope junkies) clearly reflect the use of speed smoking, and No Doubt was no exception.

But licitly speaking, this song is about a woman who tries to characterize the man who she won't like to talk like an ex-boyfriend or a guy who she is trying to get over with into a stalker because she has decided not to answer any more of his calls and wants to make sure that she doesn't talk to him or have contact with him because everytime she talks to him she gets more caught up in his web and she cant break free.

Very shallow, I knoe. And the Meth is more believable?

Oh and the chorus part of this song is a very cool line to answering machines, right? But since iont use the creepy old talking machine, I’ll use the chorus as my ringtone. yey!

Click, click, click!

You think that we connect
That the chemistry's correct
Your words walk right through my ears
Presuming I like what I hear

And now I'm stuck in the web
You're spinning
You've got me for your prey

Sorry I'm not home right now
I'm walking into spiderwebs
So leave a message
And I'll call you back
A likely story, but leave a message
And I'll call you back

You're intruding on what's mine and
You're taking up my time
Don't have the courage inside me
To tell you please let me be

Communication, a telephonic invasion
I'm planning my escape...

And it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
No matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls

Now it's gone too deep
You wake me in my sleep
My dreams become nightmares
'Cause you're ringing in my ears.

ooh spider webs
leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walkin in a spider webs
so leave a message and I'll call you back

it's all your fault
I screen my phone calls
no matter matter matter who calls
I gotta screen my phone calls
it's all your fault
it's all your fault
no matter who calls
no matter who calls

I'm walkin in a spider webs
so leave a message and I'll call you back
I'm walkin in a spider webs
leave a message and I'll call you back

Let’s talk about benignity

God bless me.

This is probably the most benign rotation in surgery, EVER. I am currently rotating in TCVS (Thoraco-cardiovascular surgery) and Orthopedic surgery. This rotation makes me feel like there’s really life besides going on duty; to just sit inside our quarters, do nothing but stare at each other, wait for the duty end, play Plants vs. Zombies, check Facebook updates, monitor patients in the ward every 4 hours and as my last resort to read books when all else fail to keep me lively.

This is what I’ve been waiting for, a period to breathe and to repose, to think and realize that I also have my own life that I should also take care of.

Since clerkship started, all I did is to think about patients. Even when I knoe that I am already away from the hospital premises, I bring parts of my patients with me back home… Not their body parts of course but the numerous papers to be filled up and medical abstracts to be clearly narrated. Also, we are responsible and must read articles and matters regarding their cases and ORs to be done.

Is this how doctors really live?

I seldom see my family nao, I forget to clip my fingernails and toenails, I haven’t had a drink for ages already, I barely see my non-med very close friends, I can’t find time to jog nor do crunches in my room, I sometimes even forget to finish my cereals or finish my cup of coffee in the morning.

Maybe.

So in times like this, let me enjoy. I currently don’t have a patient. We have patients but I don’t have my “own” patient.

Did you get the point?

But sooner or later, I knoe patients need me. They need my help; my knowledge and skills… In short, I knoe I will be back to patient care.

Owell, cheers!

I nao can say that being a doctor is the most noble profession in this world. I am nao experiencing the load of work to handle; the number of patients that must be treated whatever the case may be and whenever time they arrive in the ER; the amount of hours in the OR standing, I’m telling you it’s tormenting; the rush we feel when we sense a patient is about to “code”, and what more when the patient is already “coding”!

Seriously, I must enjoy. Nao.

Then I’ll  see you after I finish General Surgery, Trauma and ER surgery.

I knoe there’s a storm coming ahead.

Dak=Toxic

My name defines toxicity. Yes, I attract toxic patients. And every duty that I’ve been through, it’s always toxic. Without fail.

Take for example my current patient, a 70 year old female diagnosed with subarachnoid hemorrhage, in other words, stroke. I had experienced monitoring her on her bedside every 15 minutes for 4 hours because she’s GCS7 E1V1M5, meaning she had no eye opening, no verbal response and she just moves on painful stimulation. Technically, she’s supposed to be already hooked with a tube down to her lungs, but iont think she was actually intubatable cos she’s still breathing by herself and not in distress. Well, so she was not.

The good thing is, she’s okay nao, not really okay-okay, but a lot better than GCS7. She’s nao GCS13, concious, a little lethargic but sometimes still confused or silent.

Last duty, I admitted another patient with the same diagnosis. She came from the Pay or the UST private hospital transferred to the clinical division or the “charity hospital” due to i-dunno-why, probably financial crisis… and the relatives kinda freaked out when they saw how the Clinical Division wards look like. I even overheard a relative said,

Aren’t we gonna get Dengue fever in here?

Duh! Freak!

What does she think of patients who cannot afford private rooms? Aedes mosquitos?! LOL. Luckily, the patient wasn’t admitted in our service. I just can imagine the things they will probably demand from the clerks.

Tomorrow will be my last duty day in neuro and plastic surgery. I hope it will be fine. For good.

No toxic patients!!! (crossing fingers)

BTW, I would like to congratulate my brother who just passed the recent pharmacy boards. Yey! I can very much relate. I can reminisce the time when I was in his place, waiting for the result. It was grievous! But the sublime feeling of passing the exam was ecstatic. Euphoric. Better than a 4-hr long of hot foreplay. Orgasmic?! ROFL.

Well, at least it’s not a month-long wait, right? right? That’s gonna kill me I swear. LOL.

Bye for nao. (Keep your fingers crossed!)

McDreamy and McSteamy rotation

Did you knoe that I’ll be rotating in Plastic and Neuro Surgery starting tomorrow for 10 freaking days?! I am too excited I dunno how to elaborate what I am currently feeling. Just a while ago, a new patient was endorsed to me, a little boring actually. Her OR will be tomorrow at 10. She has hemangioma awaiting to be excised.

Boohoo…

Well, I want something a little more exciting like boring holes through skulls and using scopes to do microsurgeries.

Right? Right? That would be very sweet!

I actually don’t knoe why they have to fuse these two surgical subspecs in one rotation.

Neuro and plastics?

I knoe, right?

Reminds you of McDreamy and McSteamy?

Well, that’s what I am feeling right nao… ROFL. Kid.

Well, as of nao, I have a urology patient and a pedia-surg patient (on pink post-its) ready to be endorsed as I leave the department.

And 2 patients to welcome, a neuro-surg case (on green post-it) and a referral (white post-it).

Doctor meets Doctor

Yesterday was my first day in the department of surgery… you knoe… like Grey’s Anatomy kind of atmosphere. But since the other day, every swallow that I take made me cry in pain and despair, accompanied with fever and generalized body weakness, I detested submitting myself to the ward and work.

I instead visited a doctor in the University’s health service.

DOC: What’s the problem?
(his eyes on what the nurse wrote on my record:
Pain on swallowing, hyperemic tonsils, with febrile episodes, Rx Orofar L, Tylenol, Amox 1 cap q8 hrs completed 2 doses, Temp: 36.7)
DAK: Doc, it’s painful to swallow.
DOC: You’re a medical student, right?
DAK: (Oh-oh, how did you knoe?!) Ahm, yes doc. (I wore a jacket due to several reasons, first as a prop cos t’was raining, second as a protection cos I felt cold cos and was too sick to function well and most importantly so as to not recognize my uniform as a medical student.) I am a medical clerk.
DOC: So, what do you think is your condition?
DAK: (Are you kidding me?! I am here cos I need your help and not because I want you to evaluate me! Duh.) I think it’s tonsillitis.
DOC: Why did you say so?
DAK: (Pft!) Cos I had tonsillitis before, and it felt the same. But this time, it’s a lot more painful. I think I woke up every hour last night due to severe pain everytime I swallow. I also have palpable and tender cervical lymph nodes. Doc, the left is more painful. However, I haven’t checked and seen my tonsils yet.
DOC: How come you didn’t inspect your tonsils?
DAK: I can’t find my penlight. (My penlight’s actually not missing, the batteries were drained. LOL)
(Doc took out his penlight, a tongue depressor and checked my tonsils)
DOC: Say ah………
DAK: Ahhhh………… (Alck! Ack!)
DOC: You have tonsillopharyngitis. The left if very red.
DAK: Oh ok. I already took 2 doses of amoxicillin. 8PM last night and 4AM a while ago.
DOC: I’ll shift your antibiotics to co-amoxiclav. Twice a day for 7 days. (Which is a lot more expensive!)
DAK: Ok. Ahm, can I ask for a medical certificate?
DOC: For what?! What will I write in your medical certificate? You don’t even have a fever. Your temperature is 36.7.
DAK: Doc, I already took Tylenol. (Duh!)
DOC: That’s the point, I don’t have a reason to excuse you from duty.
DAK: Doc, it’s my first day in surgery today. I was absent in our orientation this morning.
DOC: So tell me, what should I write in you medical certificate?
DAK: That I was too weak to get up from bed?
DOC: Just show them this prescription.
DAK: Oh ok. Thanks.

Luckily, there never was an orientation. And I am a lot better nao, better than your lazy dog. It’s not H1N1, freaks! ROFL.

So far, so good in surgery. First stop? Urology-pediatrics surgery. Let’s see… Let’s see…

City of Fabella

Starting at 8 AM yesterday, I was already draped with a silk-like see-through gown, my dark blue scrubs easily recognizable from behind. I dunno at that time if I am going to survive the surgery. I was not the patient just so you knoe, I was the second surgical assistant.

The baby was out in probably less than an hour; amniotic fluid and blood’s everywhere penetrating through my gown. Luckily I was pre-warned to wear an apron before surgery. I dunno why it’s supposed to be like it, comparing it with the previous CSs I’ve assisted, it was chaotic, vague and fast paced.

Next thing I knew while still on surgery right after suturing the wounded uterus, a Kelly which I think is actually an Ochsner forcep was clamped in the left fallopian tube, tied...

Mayo straight please…

Cut. Then followed the right. It was fast! I witnessed a bilateral tubal ligation, for the very first time.

I assisted a total of 4 or I think 5 cesarean deliveries in a 24-hour duty; See? I barely recall how many babies I’ve seen coming out of an incised abdomen. I think there was even a twin pregnancy. I forget.

I dowana label it like a slaughter house but it kinda felt like I was in a slaughter house. To be totally honest? I delivered 3 babies all by myself in less than 30 minutes. And they’re all first time preggies, from a first time medical clerk that is, that I need to do an eposiotomy incision to make the “passageway” wide and very open for the baby to come out.

Luckily, all went fine and turned out well and sound. Initially, a midwife and a nurse was there assisting me. I was like…

Wait, what should I do? This is my very first, own vaginal delivery. Should I anesthetize now? Should I cut now?

LOL. I was trembling and sweating!

After that very first, came another…

Primi! Primi! Fully! Fully!

Then another…

Primi! Primi! Fully! Fully!

2 nursing students assisted me in each patient. They were like waiting for me to instruct them something to do. I am not used to it, dictating this and that, to get this and get that. I thought I did it in a very tacky way. But they were all friendly and nice, so I didn’t have any problem at all. It was really sweet and cool. LOL.

Doing an episiotomy incision, that is cutting to make the vajayjay widely open needs to be… apparently… repaired immediately right after. Repairing is a lot harder than cutting, of course, and it takes a lot of time to repair than wait for a crowning baby to come out. LOL. And repairing should be very tactful and it should be nicely done, to make it still functional for future use. ROFL.

Being a runner is another role that we hafta do in Fabella. And being a runner literally means to really run fast. Run to the laboratory to send specimens, get the results and request for blood products. And imagine, their laboratory is located outside the hospital building and in the night the grounds of Fabella is hived by giant mosquitoes that can suck your blood even right through your clothes, I swear! It’s crazy.

Another meaning of run by a runner is to run and find food for the team, and “team” means the whole doctors team which includes medical clerks, residents and sometimes consultants. Geez, right? What more if we include the midwives and the nurses and the orderlies… What?! LOL.

For 30 hours from 7AM yesterday up until 1PM today, my eyes were widely open and about to cry due to tiredness. I dowana sound like a maudlin though. And even if I am, I probable wouldn’t able to let a single tear to form and drop from my widely opened eyes with swaying eye-bags right beneath ‘em due to over dehydration. You should have seen my darkly colored and well concentrated urine I voided when I was back home. I was so tired, I also hardly recall all the patients I handled, not even their number codes.

After duty in the morning starting at 8AM, we hafta visit all the patients of our residents assigned to us to make progress notes of each individual patient’s condition; and I am just so “lucky” that I am assigned to a first year resident wherein thousands… okay hundreds… hmmm… okay let me say a minimum of 15-20 patients are under her because majority of patients had spontaneous vaginal deliveries which are being handled by junior residents. Awesomeness, right?

It ain’t cool.

Source

So by 11AM a while ago, I was still in the wards calling out numbers… via a microphone…

Patient 581, please raise your hand…

The ward is so huge! A single ward is like a basketball court filled with beds of patients designated each with numbers. And each bed has 2 or at the most 3 patients lying is opposite directions. At first, I was in awe and a little excited, you knoe I have this fascination with microphones and being friendly-friend-friend with patients. LOL. But after a few minutes of crying out loud, I was irritated. Calling out a patient’s number is not a joke, especially when you lack sleep. There are a lot of hard patients, they don’t raise their hands, they don’t care anymore and don’t want to be monitored. I am so hating them nao.

After all the efforts to deliver their babies?! Gawd!

The saddest part of our duty yesterday up until this morning was when a primi (meaning first pregnancy) mother had severe preeclampsia. Her condition was rapidly progressing or… hmmm… worsening, we wondered why. First she was having continuously elevated blood pressure despite the efforts to put it down, then signs of pulmonary congestion was apparent until she lost consciousness and efforts to breathe which made them decide to immediately put her with a tube and assisted respiration. They opened her up to deliver her baby, in a snap! Questionably, she was deteriorating so fast! Until I was already resuscitating her back to consciousness, compressing her chest until it became a blur if she can still be revived. I was too tired, but I just kept pumping. It was tragic.

I dunno if I cried a bit, but I think I was “emotionless” probably brought about by the lack of sleep and swollen feet.

A patient died while my hands are on her chest early this morning.

It’s not haunting me though. Today. And hopefully not in the future.

All these things happened in just 24 hours. I can’t comprehend how it was possible but it was!

Well, everything happens in Fabella. Hopefully, it will be a little “less-harder” this coming Friday.

That’s all for now. Ciao.

Realize…

It’s been a long time since I posted a song in my blog.

Here’s what I’ve been hearing and singing for like days already. It’s an old song but… I think it’s kinda appropriate for my current state of being. LOL. Enjoy!

Click click click!

Realize by John Nathaniel

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized
OoOoOOo
missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now
Realize, realize
realize, realize