love story and stupidity...

where do i begin? ---> a popular line from a popular 80s song? er, LOVE STORY
 
is the song title LOVE STORY? or is it the movie? i dunno... mybe the LOVE STORY movie soundrack is the song that start "where do i begin?"
 
history repeats itself...
 
owkay, now i have to open this for everyone to knoe, as i have said before, i have to hide nothing, it might hurt some people, but please im just venting out the hurt im feeling inside ryt now... i think now's the time... i need to vent things out... er, naawa na din ko kay kenneth... and i need to say sorry...
 
im talking with my good friend kenneth ryt now and i thank him for being there always... katext kahit hating-gabi na... confiding problems and asking advices... gah... nahihiya na ko sa kanya dahil lagi na lang problems ko sa buhay nasasabi ko and i hardly have time to hang and bum with him to just talk  about good things, normal things, great things... achievements... or simply just fool around like the things we do before... thank you pare!
 
moving on...
 
when i met my ex-girlfriend for the first time, my first girlfriend, a serious relationship, the feeling was back... i was shocked... she's there not talking to me, cannot even look at my face, she can't even say a word to me, when she would say something to me, she cannot look at my face, i knoe she's not comfortable meeting me again but for me, the feeling was back and i thought it was just an aftershock of the love i had for her... but it stayed... for months thinking about her, making it harder for me to study... thinking about her mostly everyday... having hard times to sleep...
 
actually, we broke up because, i looked forward to what will happen in our relationship, that it will get bad... stupid reason i knoe... during our relationship, i was having problem with my studies, problems giving enough time for her, problems not having a communication, away with each other(w/c i thought i fell-out), and family pressure. t'was a tough thing for me coz, t'was my first serious relationship i had, and college was also a tough thing... and that was also the first time i live independently, without my parents being always around to help...
 
t'was a stupid break-up, i admit it... i missed her after 1 month of our break-up... i ignored what i felt. but i tried to move-on and i was successful not knowing the feeling would be back when ill see her again...
 
so, when we saw each other again, and the feeling was back, i just kept it... not letting her know what i was having again for her... i also thought that maybe it was a wrong feeling... considering if i see her as a friend only or as a special someone, love for a friend only or deeper... we got closer again but we considered each other as friends like we used to before we had the past relationship... we then found each other talking about the things that had happened with us... and we realized that we're in-love again with each other... we don't say it by words but we knoe we do love each other... and it started to bother me...
 
one time, we we're able to talk about it... i was bothered bcause i dunno what was really happening with us... so i just tole her, everything i feel about her with honesty and respect... she then revealed that she we're also feeling the same thing...
 
since, we were not at the same school, having my heaviest load of subjects at school, i tole her, im not ready to commit again with her, and also, i have fears that i might commit the same mistakes again... and i might be unfair with her in terms of giving time to our relationship because i am too busy for studies... and she knoes that...
 
we kept the feelings hanging and it still bothered me that time because it's an abnormal thing to like having a relationship, but actually not... loving that person, but not together... for me it felt worse... i was distracted more and more every other day...
 
maybe she felt the same way, so she invited me to meet... she then opened the topic about what's going on with us... i felt so strange at that time bcause she did not tole me that we're going to talk about it that time... i tole her that im not really ready to commit because of the reasons i said before... er, i also don't want to hurt her again (if ever) coz i might commit the same mistakes again, and the consequences of not having to see each other often would also be a big thing to consider... she tole me also that we're feeling the same. she also tole me her reasons why she doesn't want to commit... there is this big barrier between us so we can't be together now...
 
we actually don't want to end it up there but we decided to end it because we're just making it hard for us... it's hard to do the things we do in our everyday life when something's bothering you, bothered by the feelings that we don't knoe what's happening to the both of us... we don't knoe if it's the right feeling, we don't sure if it's the right time for us... so, that was how we formally ended it... after that, i felt so weak and it still bothered me because mybe ill regret the decision we've made... stupidity? i dunno...
 
a week before we formally ended it, i had a talk with this girl, a girl i've known... i had a conversation with her because i texted my friends that im already broke because everynight i was in starbux to bum and review... well, 90% review owkay...? i dunno what came into my mind why i also sent her the message...
 
she's from my school that i was attracted from since second year, which happened to also having a problem with her boyfriend... they broke-up... she was actually so into him that she even cried to me over the fone... we talked a lot and i became like a bestfriend (not really) to her because she tole me everything, which for me is something you can only tell to a friend you have for a long time... i actually only had the intention to help her with her problems because i knoe she really needs help... so, advices were shared and we found ourselves always texting each other after that...
 
almost everyday, we texted each other like old friends, actually i used to text her before especially during summer, but just a cliche conversation... but that time, t'was different... we can say anything on the text... as i have tole you, i have a crush on her so, i get to like her more as we text more...
 
i felt confused for some days because at that time, my ex and i we're still on the stage of trying to get back together... crisis...
 
it came the day that my ex and i finished everything about our confusing situation... after that, the girl and i continued to text each other...
 
so, we got to knoe each other more and more until one day, she texted me that she wanted to meet up with me... due to heavy sked, we decided to meet after my 7pm class... she also tole me she would share something to me... i was excited to see her and so, we had a great time together that we got to knoe each other more... i actually had a great night with her because we were able to talk personally and i got to knoe her more, the deeper her... t'was great that i never cared how late night we ended the meeting...
 
i was just so stupid, again for the 3rd time and please let it be the last time... that im starting to like her... and im already into her... at first, i was on denial... and i controlled my feelings and emotions for her... my friend adviced me to contol it... but i was out of control... and still on denial...
 
we text each other and later this night, i found out that she and her ex-boyfriend were back together! i dunno what to say when she tole me about it... she even thanked me that i was a BIG part of it and i was such a great friend to her... gah! i dunno what happened next, my mind was blank, and i started to cry...
 
i dunno why im crying because there's nothing to cry for... im not mad at her, im mad to what i did... i let myself hurt... stupidity... i felt used but im not... feeling ko naloko ako... kaso nde naman...
 
now i badly need coffee... i wanna go to starbux but t'was already 10pm... bukas na lang... i-aaral ko na lang talga to bukas! kaya ko to! mag-aaral ako bukas whole day!!!
 
i need to say sorry to you (you knoe who you are) about not telling you about this thing... i kept it to you... i actually don't have the feelings for her yet when we were having that crisis together... we were just mere texting like friends at that time and at that time, my purpose was just to help... it's also not one of the reasons why i dowana commit to you now... im really sorry... what i tole you are all true... im sorry...
 
and to my girl schoolmate, im really sorry that i let myself fall for you not thinking na nde mo naman ako masasalo... i knoe you still love him very much but please learn na magtira ka sa sarili mo... ksi mahirap talga... i dowana tell here the whole story about you but please learn from your mistakes... t'will make you grow... and, giving him a chance, that's your decision, i think it was also good to give a person a chance... to be back with him eventhough you tole me that no chances at all na... er, i hope nde ka magsisi sa decision mo... and ill always be here as a friend... im sorry that i opened this thing here, if ever you can read this... i hope our friendship will stay... all i expect now is to still be friend with you... er, open pa rin ako as venting material pag may prob ka... im not mad at you... pls bear that in mind, ako yung may kasalanan... ako yung nag-expect e... im sorry...
 
life's full of struggles... wahhh!!! another mistake that i dowana repeat again... at least... im learning now... im learning with mistakes i did... i remebered jen from dawson's what she said to her daughter through video before she died, "commit a lot of mistakes because i learned from those mistakes" ---> mistakes are the best teachers in life... you can learn from them... i knoe this is just a small flaw in my life... marami pa kong ma-encounter na ganito... marami pa kong kakayaning ganito...
 
LSS: negative things, sorry 2004
COLOR: blue, dark
CURRENT READINGS: parasitology, pharmaco, histology, et cetera ---> para makalimot...

1 remark(s):

baRbz said...

hey, yknow what, i wasnt referring to anyone in my artik. it's actually a theory my friends and i came up with last night. gah, i just couldnt get it why it always has to be like this. i mean, do we always have to have a gap? and then say goodbye? am sorry if you were hurt, it wasn't my intention. never been. anyway, masakit din yun on my part e. pero sana naman we wouldn't have to be like this, we dont have to drop everything and runaway, right?

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