i call it horrible because it is

I’m a cynic. I guess boredom brought me into becoming one. I saw in my friendster account that "the adamas" visited my profile. Who actually created that not so attention-grabbing account? And when I checked out the profile of this so called "the adamas" which is actually the name of my batch in HS, I automatically got this feeling of humiliation. Shame? What’s written in the profile section is way too naive. The creator should have written something more than what is written. Look; I have this urge to purge myself now for being very insensitive. But it’s true ryt? Okay, and when I started looking at the list of friends of this "the adamas"... I saw bunch of my batchmates, all looking flirtatious, some even showing their pictures with the people they believe are the love of their life, like they want to tell the whole world about their love life, to show that they’re actually happy? Like I actually care? Pathetic, ryt? It isn't cute. For me it isn't. Another thing I noticed, in the comment area is that they actually like to have a reunion in the near future which is way too early for us to have, I mean, not even 10years after leaving the, what I refer to as a horrible school. Expect me to be absent in that upcoming reunion!

I actually went back to that school last week when I drove my brother to school to enrol himself for this coming school year. I was this giddy alumnus who was excited to see and greet my old teachers. Oh yes they were actually really happy to see me! I was actually greeted with “Alumnus ka hindi ba? Heto fill this up” matching with anticipation. I know where it was going. Of course, they need money and all for the alumni homecoming blahs. I got the wrong notion. What is actually my purpose of going back there? I was expecting them to greet me like they’ve never seen me for life but their pick-up line wasn’t very fascinating that after filling up the form, i immediately went back to the parking lot. I feel bad about how the faculties treated me; it’s as if there were too many students at that moment enrolling, that i can understand but the people were just me and my brother. I didn’t notice they were actually that bad, not until i am old enough to read and understand people’s actions. From that encounter, who would want to go into an alumni homecoming?

at least i'm not a virgin!

Death visited me a while ago. It's ridiculous I know but I think it’s really funny because I'm thinking such things about me, that I'm going to die... Well, I think I'm sick and I haven't been to a doctor ever since I started experiencing what we call the symptoms?... I would most likely go visit a doctor next week together with my lola who will also be having her monthly check-up in Baguio City.

Initial diagnosis? Esophageal reflux. Haha. When I woke up this morning, well, it was almost afternoon because I got out of bed at around 11am, I almost fell down to the floor because I got dizzy. Until now, there’s still this feeling of faintness while typing this post. I thought maybe I was just hungry but after eating my brunch, I’m still dizzy. What is wrong with me? I think something terribly bad; a very dreadful disease is with me. I just don’t know what... It could be about my lungs that affect my breathing and all that because sometimes I have dyspnea, which could involve the oxygen supply to my brain that’s why I feel dizzy. Haha... Or the heart, the cardiovascular perhaps, I could be hypertensive. Or the brain... am I having a slow step of brain damage? LOL... well, I should be scared now... the fact that I’m only turning 22, a medical student... I could die not knowing anything about how I would die and i don’t want that to happen. What if I die today? I’ll be missing a lot of things.

Let’s write ‘em down:
• I will not be able to read the last book of the Harry Potter, I’d be truly wondering forever on the other side of life what really happened to that 7th year of Harry at Hogwarts.
• I wouldn’t be able to watch the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Movie! At least I have read it and the book’s probably better than the movie, eryt? It’s always like that... anyway, the 5th book wasn’t even an interesting year of Harry.
• I wouldn’t be able to help cure the poor. Of course, if i die now, I can’t finish my dream of becoming a physician. I’m still an incoming 2nd year medical student and if I die now, I wouldn’t even able to reach 2nd year... very tragic.
• I wouldn’t be able to finish the books I’ve stopped reading for awhile due to many reasons. One of those books is the “Unbearable Lightness of Being”. I’ve started the book a hundred million times but i could not read it ‘till the end because it’s very hard to read. Haha.
• I wouldn’t be able to see our country change from a 3rd world into a 4th maybe?
• I wouldn’t be able to have a child... It’s been my desire to have my own child since I reached my 20’s. Of course i can’t do that without my partner of love, eryt? Reason of wanting a child? I want my kid/s to be just like a “barkada” to me when they grow up. Like my parents, i was born when my mom was 18 and my dad’s 19 so they were still young at that time so now, my parents treat us like brothers and sisters because the age difference isn’t too big. Of course, I can’t get rid of the fact that they’re still my parents and I’m still their child. Now i have to choose: medicine or a baby? I can’t have them both, if I choose to have a baby, my parent’s wouldn’t support me then in taking up medicine, so i just can’t choose to have a baby now.
• I wouldn’t be able to travel to at least every part of the Philippines. I haven’t been to Boracay yet nor Puerto Princessa. Sad...
• I wouldn’t be able to have my own car to drive! It’s been my desire to have one but my parents won’t instil. I’ve been borrowing my dad’s and my lolo’s car which are too big for me to use. I dunno why they wouldn’t give me one and be responsible to it. Dba? I have a hypothesis that maybe they were thinking that i’ll be always out there in those gimik places when i have my own car already. But hey! It’s useful to use when i go to school dba? Because it’s not very practical now going to school in manila without a car. Pft! Besides, QC is very far from Manila. Haha. My dad said, just wait until I graduate. Tsk!
• Hwat! Yes, i wouldn’t be able to taste that krispy donut in Global City! Yes, Krispy Kreme. I’ve been waiting for that donut ever since Oprah reveled it’s one of her favourite things. It’s been exclusively sold in the US but last year, they brought their glazy doughnuts over here! Unfortunately, I haven’t tried it yet. Got no time to go to that very far-flung place called Global City. Hehehe.
• My far away relatives! Our cousins on my dad’s side are now all abroad, into different places. We were the only ones stuck in this degrading county. Oh, i hate to say that but it’s the fact, eryt? I wanted to visit all my relatives before I die.
• My friends! Oh I got huge sets. Quantity and Quality speaking.
• Movies: The Simpsons & Shrek3.
• I wouldn’t be able to build my own house. A simple, home sweet home. Hahaha.. corny!
• Family. Of course I will...

Oh I can’t think of anything else that i’ll miss. But if I die today, I wouldn’t probably be thinking about these things already because I’m dead! Haha...

don't read, it's a stupid post

my family's watching the spiderman3 while i'm here at starbucks editing some videos and pictures taken during our trip to hundred islands yesterday. i already saw the movie so i didn't go with them. my brother and i watched it on the first day of its showing. we were actually lucky that we found and reserved available seats the day before the first day of screening. i already checked my mail, friendster and downloaded some music for my mp3 player, now i have nothing to do so my last resort is to post into my blog.

i've been reading my pharmacology book by katzung. i'm already in page 135 of the 9th edition. they said, pharmacology is the hardest subject in second year (in UST) that's why i should read in advance... i even heard that professors in the pharmacology department are very strict... we had pharmacology in premed but it was too basic. my tito paul, who's a doctor told me to focus on pharmacokinetics. should i? i've read the chapters under the introduction, receptors and autonomics.

i'm so lame... i can't write now... bye!

i need an apartment!

i woke up this morning very tired. i thought it was between 7 to 8am but when i checked the time in my phone, it was already 15 minutes before 12noon. i was shocked because it was my first time waking up that late this summer vacation. the latest time i got out of bed before that incident was i guess 9:30am. ima suppose to have my teeth cleaned by the dentist in the morning but since i woke up late, i haven't got the chance. in the afternoon, i went into the bank which i routinely do, then my mother asked me to drive her to the town where she took my sister's grade card because she will be enrolling my sister to school tomorrow. when we were on our way home, we were discussing things about how im supposed to go back to manila. since my enrollment would be on june4, i should be there before that day but i actually don't know yet when will my class start so we were discussing if i would still go back here in pangasinan or not after my enrollment. i was kind of irritated at that time and i think she sensed it. i don't know why i got irritated at that time and im sure it was not because of my mother. maybe because of the thought of going back again in manila and not being able to look for an apartment to live near my school. i am sick and tired of my life as a commuter. i am not happy with it, it tortures me everytime i take a ride in the train, the jeepney, even a cab. i'm not comfortable with it, im afraid of riding public vehicles, i'm a freak you know! also, the hassle that it creates, the time it consumes because of the traffic jams, the feel of tiredness after the trip, the fright that someone might hold-up the vehicle or worse a killer or something. ahahaha... but no joke, my parents should know this feelings i have, that i'm not happy with my situation, and it affects me... but how?

they think it's still okay for a medical student like me with a full load to study and a tight schedule to commute to and from school. of course they can't see what's happening in the streets of manila during these times because they live here in pangasinan, and if ever they saw and experienced it, that was like 1980's when they were also still in college. manila is different now from their time. manila is hotter now where a ride in a jeepney for an hour would definitely tire a person, not only because of the heat but also the feeling of someone might hold-up the jeep.

when we arrived in the house, i was a little depressed and sick about the things that's running in my head. i was asked to pick up my sister from her piano lesson after an hour but i refused. i did refuse but since my dad's busy blah blah, i have no choice. wah! i need an apartment!

random entries...

My dad's like a woman, worse i suppose. He changes his mind after a few seconds of making certain decisions. So if for example i ask him to buy me a car and he answered yes, i should let him buy the car now or else that car would be only just a dream.

One time, he was planning to buy a new laptop for them to use in Pangasinan. He said he should have the laptop before summer vacation ends so that i can still teach him and my mom stuff about basic computer blahs. When i got to Manila to look for an apartment, i decided to also look for a high end but also a good price laptop. After days of hopping from one computer store to another in search for that laptop, my dad broke the news that he'll not buy a laptop. I was a little disappointed because i got tired whole day searching for the right laptop for them to use, but owell, he's my dad, what can i do?

My dad is also an impulsive dad. Take note that sometimes his impulses are not reasonable. He bought a drum set, they're not just the typical drums, he bought an expensive brand with all sorts of top of the line accessories. He then enrolled himself in a drum class in baguio which he attends to every week. Not yet impressed? He's now taking violin classes once a week.

I watched an Oprah show about this book and dvd entitled 'the secret'. It was said to be about the secret of making your own destiny. So if you want to become successful in a profession you're at, then you must focus your life into it. Your mind should be into it, your feelings should be focused strongly into it, and the actions that you do in your everyday life should fit into what's in your mind and in what you feel. In short, mind, feelings and actions should focus on a single goal.

i was looking for a place to live near ust but i can't find the right place for me. it's been years since i started planning of moving out of my grannies' house in QC because i think i'd be more productive and focused on my studies if i'd be staying near my school. i would probably miss the house when i finally move out and i think there's this some sort of energy that makes me want to stay. i told my parents about my plans of moving out and they've finally agreed when i brought again the topic to them, but now im drawn into this thoughts of still staying in the house. i can't say it's about the people who i live with, the accessibility of neccessary things like food, laundry and etc, but most probably because i have this thing about 'attachment' where i have hard times getting out of something i got used to. i can't say this to my parents of course, because they'de definitely would just agree to just stay in the house because that's what they really want, for me to live in close relatives in order for me to be safe. safe huh? think again!


im posting the first video of Neruda with their i think first single "Reign"... enjoy the video!