Feelings, et al

Even though I am known by some to have a heart as hard as stone, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places we didn't know we had inside us. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts we get, or gyms we join, or jog laps that we finish, or crunches that we sweat, or how many glasses of vodka we drink with our friends... we still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what we did wrong or how we could have misunderstood.

I can say that I am a little ignorant about love. I am too sick and tired of searching for almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I don’t think about love more than anyone really should. Cos love is amazing, it has its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. Love comes in different forms. Some, forbidden yet it’s still love. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night, or into someone who is wrong or worse an illusion.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert, for several reasons and evidences I don’t want to disclose. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are reading at one such individual’s blog.

And I have willingly loved several of them for a million times already! Of course that’s an exaggeration but I can say that it’s absolute the worst feeling of my life! Those days that I have been in love one-sidedly have been the darkest times of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with people who does not and will not love me back.

Oh gawd, just the thought of it!

Reminiscing the glorious past!

Heart pounding!

Throat thickening!

Absolutely can't swallow!

All the usual symptoms.

Now how in the hell for a brief moment we could think that we were that happy. And sometimes we can even convince ourselves that that person see the light and show up at our doors, sooner or later.

Pathetic.

And after all that, however long all that may be, we'll go somewhere new. And we'll meet people who make us feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of our soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of our lives that we wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

***

Some texts were excerpts from the movie “The Holiday”, edited based on what the blogger feels and relates.

1 remark(s):

lucas said...

"Reminiscing the glorious past!

Heart pounding!

Throat thickening!

Absolutely can't swallow!

All the usual symptoms."

yeah! how about us???!!! this post had rekindled a very strange emotion. i could totally relate...hayayays... I guess love chooses us.

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