*Random thoughts & rants

When you reach the age of 26 and you don’t have that much money and a very stable job to brag about, it’s like being the biggest chunk of floating ice in the world; a useless iceberg; a lost soul of some sort. An old lost soul of ice, nowhere to go. And broke. And sank Titanic.

Garble-ish I knoe. To be totally honest? It’s kinda hard to make a point sometimes.

Many times I came across the idea that I am probably in a wrong career path. But I believe that all those running ideas were wrong; just cerebral; that I was just thinking that I am, yet I am actually not. I have moments when really overthink; in times when I really lack sleep and I overdosed myself with caffeine. And I think I should also drive less… and limit my toilet visits cos most of my epiphanies <and not to mention euphemisms> happen while I am driving orrr I’m taking a leak or shit.

Orrrr it’s just the anal in me.

Did you know that thoughts can destroy a person? It can confuse, deceive, damage, distress, torture… and even kill. So our minds should be watched, guarded, filtered, cleansed, purified…

To quote former First-lady Imelda Marcos,

“Think of the true, good, & beautiful”

She is so right. I am so clouded with doubts and insecurities.

Maybe at this age and time, it’s normal to be nervous about faulty career and instability. That I might be doing the wrong choices in life. What if my fate isn’t really this? Or that? Really scurd.

But of course I cannot just go change careers left and right to hit the right one just like what I usually do to my hair, right? The next month it’s gonna be blonde. Or I get bangs. Again. It’s not that easy; but I wish it is. That easy.

Sometimes I can’t help but question myself why I even went into med school. And it’s hard to hate myself on that cos this is the only thing that I’m really good at. And yes, if I do think of any other profession right now, it’s gonna be hard to give up on something I’m already good and happy at. Like me checking on your throat <say ahhhh please>, or hearing how one’s heart beats <lub-dub-lub-dub-toinks>, or poking my finger up into one’s ass <ouch!>.

As a child, I also thought or have planned of doing the simplest things in life like being an astronaut <Am I sure this is simple?> or being just professionally good looking. You knoe, like using your good looks as a job. Let’s label this as my dream career #2. But I wasn’t very lucky with the genes that I acquired. I didn’t win the genetic lottery super grandprize. Some of my cousins took all those precious chromosomal types like the standing-tall-genes, unclogging-pore-genes and the nice-jaw-line-genes that cut me off my dream career #2. Haha.

But kidding aside, if I chose to be in those raunchy fashion shows and magazines, wouldn’t that cause me to regret not being a doctor instead? Right. But come to think about it, combining those two is actually feasible, ayt? By being a professionally good looking doctor! Haha. In my very own rights! :-))

The question now is… how?!

I used to work, 24-7. Yes, work even during the weekends. Cos I am a physician, that’s how we roll. Our lives belong to our patients. I spent 36 hours of duty every 3 days. So I just want to tell some of you to shuddup and stop bringing the crappy idea up regarding the recent depression issues among call center agents because of sleep deprivation. Have these people even ever thought of us?! Gawd!

Where is beauty rest in that scenario? It doesn’t exist.

I used to earn like 4 thousand bucks every 3 months <ikr? not even reached the minimum wage>. I got a raise when I became a GP but I still ask my parents for money at times, they pay for my phone bills, gasoline, and my apartment rent. Whatta loser kid I am. I actually can earn bigger than anyone else’s salary at my age if I work full-time, but that can’t be done cos of upcoming exams.

Where is the joy of retail therapy now? Non-existent!

Never in my life did I ever breakdown until several months ago, I woke up one night and just started crying. My roommate was like “What is wrong with you?”. Well, I also didn’t know. I just replied “It’s full-moon, I am lunatic you know…” Hahaha… I think I scared him.

Don’t mind me. I am just burnt-out. Probably.

This is me verbally obstipated which is ironic cos I still have a lot of things to say. So maybe this is actually a verbal diarrhea. A mild one that is. #JustSaying

So today, I will never stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile. Focus focus focus.

*Thanks for reading. This post is a crappy one. And I am not a psycho for crying out loud. Believe me.

1 remark(s):

Cams said...

We're not useless! We are doctors. We really save lives!:-) the money is just delayed.:-p

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